


Mutant Oysters

by missingparentheses



Category: Rhett & Link
Genre: Crack Fic, Infidelity, M/M, Masturbation, Messed up food, Mutual Masturbation, Public Masturbation, Sex Pollen, Smut, general ridiculousness, sort of, tropetastictuesday, tropetastictuesday4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 07:51:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10485897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missingparentheses/pseuds/missingparentheses
Summary: Aftermath of GMM #856: Love Potion Taste Test. Something was very not right about those oysters. Smut ensues.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Tropetastic Tuesday #4.  
> Prompt: Sex pollen; 500-3000 words

“Ohhhh no.”

Link looked up from his desk to where Rhett was lying across the room on their leather couch. He sat up abruptly and swung his legs off the cushion to rest on the floor.

“You okay, man?” Link asked.

“Do you feel weird?”

“What, like sick? One of those aphrodisiacs not sitting right? Gosh, did they feed us bad oysters?”

Rhett's eyes were wide as he turned his head slowly to look at his friend, and Link almost started at the intensity in his eyes.

Rhett's voice was a measured whisper. “Did they get those from the usual meat guy?”

“You want me to check with Chase?”

Rhett nodded. “I'm gonna...I'll, um, be in the bathroom.”

Link's forehead crinkled in worry but he nodded and hopped to his feet to find Chase. When he wasn't at his desk Link found himself getting anxious. He was also starting to understand what Rhett's problem might be. After a quick glance down his body, Link took off in a run.

He found Chase behind the building sawing boards. Link wanted to keep his distance, however -- his problem was becoming more apparent by the minute. 

“Chase!” he called from the doorway. “Did you get the oysters from the meat guy?”

“Uh...no, actually. We used someone new. His prices were good so we thought we'd try him out. Why?”

“Um, no reason!”

He let the heavy red door slam behind him as he ran back through the building to the bathroom closest to their office.

“Rhett?” he called through the door with a knock. “You alright?”

“Come in.”

Link found him leaning over the bathroom sink, dripping hands pressed to his face. “I need you to take me home. Now,” he murmured through his fingers. “Please don't make me explain.”

“You don't have to explain.”

Rhett turned and dropped his eyes to Link's pants. His own were in a similar state. 

“New meat guy.”

“Shit.”

“Let's go.”

They flew from the building without a word of explanation to the crew, though Rhett agreed to text Stevie on the way with some vague apology. He barely made it through the text, his hands continually wanting to drop to his lap as Link sped through Burbank. Whenever Link glanced over, he could see that Rhett was attempting to cover himself but couldn't seem to help pressing down to create friction in the process. Link kept one hand on the wheel but dropped the other to his lap, mirroring Rhett's actions.

“Dang it, Link, get me  _ home!” _ Rhett whined. “God, if Jessie isn't up for a random nooner I'm going to lose my ever-loving mind!”

Link chuckled and gritted his teeth. “I'm with ya, dude. What the heck was in those oysters??”

“Radioactive, genetically-modified boner serum.”

Link laughed, though it came out chased by a groan. He tried to keep the conversation light. “What, you only consume free-range, organic boner serum, is that it?”

“Oh God!” Rhett gasped, grinding his wrist down against the bulge in his crotch, no longer trying to hide what he was doing. His fingers started pulling at the button of his jeans before Link’s right hand flew to his wrist to stop him.

“Don’t you dare jack off in my car, McLaughlin.”

“I can’t wait! Jesus Christ, this is bad…”

“We’re almost there, just...ughh…” Link groaned as he started rubbing himself more aggressively through his pants. “Just hang in there, man.”

Link flew into Rhett’s driveway and Rhett hopped out without a word, punching the code for the garage door as Link threw his car in reverse. Just as he was about to back away, though, he caught sight of the same thing as Rhett: Jessie’s car was not in the garage. Link was whimpering with impatience to return to his wife, but Rhett’s look of panic as he pulled out his phone caused him to wait. He punched in a text one-handed as his other hand continued pressing to his groin. Link’s own hand was already inside his pants now that he was alone in the car, but he pulled it out when Rhett strode to the driver’s side window, his eyes wide with alarm.

“They’re at the zoo, Link.”

“How is that my problem? Take care of it youself. I gotta go right now, dude.”

“No, listen: they’re  _ all _ at the zoo. Your family’s there too.”

“Shit,” Link breathed, his head dropping to the steering wheel. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“I gotta go do this. Good luck.”

“Rhett…” Link whined. 

Rhett was hopping with impatience. “What?!”

“I gotta take care of this now. I can’t wait. Let me come in.”

“You wanna jack off in my house?”

Link’s hand was creeping back inside his pants. “Please…”

Rhett growled and spun around toward the open garage. “Fine.”

Link was out of the car in a flash, right on Rhett’s heels. He had barely made it inside the door to the kitchen before his hand was shoved all the way into his boxers, his other hand unbuttoning his fly to give him more room to move. He leaned back against the wall with a groan that caused Rhett to turn around.

“Damn it, Neal, at least go in the bathroom!”

“I can’t!” Link whined. “I can’t wait. I need more…I need somethin’ slippery...”

“Jesus Christ,” Rhett growled, his eyes glued to the motion in Link’s pants. Link’s eyes were closed and he was lost in the sensation, his frustration building even as he sought satisfaction. Rhett slid his hand into his own pants and began to do the same as he watched.

“Dang it,” Link gasped. “It’s not enough. It’s not enough.” Without any thought to Rhett’s presence, Link raked his tongue up the length of his hand and pulled his erection free from his pants, freeing him to stroke himself wildly without the hindrance.

Rhett choked when he saw it. It wasn’t just the sight of it; it was the boldness of the act. It stoked the already-raging fire in his own body, and he pulled his cock free with a moan as he leaned back against the kitchen island. His eyes were so locked onto the sight of Link pleasuring himself that he didn’t notice at first that Link was watching him too. When their eyes met they each let out a whimper, and without breaking eye contact nor stopping his hand’s frantic motion, Rhett stepped to a nearby cabinet and pulled out a jar of coconut oil. He let go of his cock for just long enough to shove the fingers of his clean hand into the smooth, semi-solid oil and pull out a glob. He extended his hand to Link who slowly reached out and took half of it into his own palm. But instead of returning that hand to his cock, he wrapped his hand around Rhett’s instead.

Rhett’s jaw dropped in an unearthly groan, and without a second thought he followed Link’s lead and brought his own dollop to Link’s throbbing erection. Rhett towered over him, his free hand pressed to the wall above Link’s head while they stroked each other wildly. The sound in the room was obscene: slick, wet sounds overlaid with pornographic grunts and groans, whines and heavy breathing. 

“Come on, man,” Rhett breathed into Link’s ear. “Ahhh, fuck, come on.”

Link tangled his free hand into Rhett’s shirt and pulled him closer, pressing his forehead into the heat at his throat. “Harder, baby,” he gasped. “Ugghh, yeah, faster. Faster!”

Rhett roared and moved his hand as fast as it would go. Link’s climax began with a moan that grew louder and louder, filling the house with his gasping cry as he bucked into Rhett’s palm and spilled across both their hands, their arms, their shirts. The sound and sight of Link’s release brought Rhett along with him. He pressed his open mouth to Link’s forehead as he cried out, tasting his sweat, his body exploding in pure euphoria.

They collapsed into each other’s arms and sank to the floor in a tangled heap as they caught their breath. Slowly they pulled their hands from each other’s bodies and tucked themselves back into their pants, but they slipped back into the embrace, unwilling to face the reality of life on the other side of this choice. Finally, they pulled back and looked each other in the eye.

“We okay?” Rhett whispered.

“We’re always okay.”

“So...never happened? Never again?”

“Whatever you want, Rhett.”

“What do  _ you _ want?”

Link tilted his head as he thought. “I want...to find out if they have any more of those mutant oysters.” He winked and grinned. Rhett’s eyes sparkled, and he growled and dove at him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for kudos-ing, commenting, and subscribing!  
> You know what time it is!


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